It’s My Life: III – You Give Kong A Bad Name
Hello and welcome to “It’s My Life“. This ain’t a blog for the broken-hearted.
Oh, the weather outside was frightful, but the Wii is so delightful, and since we’ve no place to go, let’s play Mario Kart!
This child remembered there is a Wii sat under the living room TV, which is the only use for the living room TV these days. Following the discovery that the second Wii controller no longer actually functions, a series of single player Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games attempts were made. The child insisted we watch every last second of gameplay and cutscene while she played but couldn’t skip through my World Record breaking (and headache inducing) triumph at the 100M fast enough.
After becoming bored with the virtual Olympics, though at one point she seemed to develop a genuine hatred for Bowser and wondered if her Épée would eventually break if she ‘just kept hitting him with it’, her attention turned to the only other game which was available, Mario Kart. Other games are in an unremembered box in a barely remembered cupboard and were not being looked for so early into the newly found Wii-interest.
After deciding that Donkey Kong (whom she called King Kong and would not be corrected) was the only viable racer and that I should simply watch her play she;
– Decided that every penguin on an Arctic track was called “Steve” and that she hated “Steve”, going out of her way to run into them any chance she got.
– Questioned why Toad’s name is “Toad” rather than “Mushroom Boy” because “he’s not a frog”.
– Would come to a dead stop after every power up collection until she determined what it was and then immediately use it regardless.
– Turned left for no good reason when the track either went straight or to the right.
– Drove into the water (or a hole) with an amazing frequency.
– Stopped mid race challenging the other drivers to a fight as they drove passed.
– Insisted that driving the wrong way would confuse the other drivers and cause them to eventually follow her lead, allowing her to ‘win easily’.
– Refused to accept that I knew what ‘SNES Ghost Valley 2’ was and that I had driven the same track more than 30 years ago because ‘Mario wasn’t a thing that long ago’.
– Demanded to know why she had no points when she was ‘obviously the best driver’. She actually had 6 but those 6 were accumulated through perhaps 12 unrelated races.
I may have missed a couple but still, a bit of screen time never did me any harm…
With 100% complete sincerity, I don’t care what you think of me, I can’t do a damn thing about that. None of us are getting out of this alive and, like Frankie says, Let It Snow, but also, I’m doing it my way.
See you tomorrow?
Chris
