Category: Diary Of A Fat Bloke

Hello, it’s been a while. A combination of illness and adverse weather have put paid to my 500’000 steps goal for the month but without further ado, take a seat, grab your liquid refreshment of choice, it’s a long one today.

The first week of March was somewhat successful in getting steps in with 146k+ steps recorded between the 1st and 7th. The following week (8th – 14th) providing a paltry 24k. 300k+ steps from the remainder of March remains possible if exceedingly, and increasingly, unlikely. At the time of writing, 10k+ steps are in the bag for today following a morning in Sheffield (more below), though rain is forecast for the rest of the week. (Yes, there’s a typo in the entry for 3 March and I did not sadly achieve 100k steps but a mere 10068).

On the whole, the United Kingdom handles many many things poorly, one of the more recent things being snowfall. I am not criticising the school, they have a duty of care towards the children and can only act on the information provided to them regarding the severity of the weather. It did make it all the more annoying though when, on Thursday, a message was sent to all parents, asking them to pick up their respective children early if possible, due to adverse weather. More so when a size-able number of said parents were standing outside the school office, braving little more than a cold wind, as they waited for children to be shepherded out. Overnight Thursday/ Friday, the ‘Beast From The East’ hit and we were subjected to perhaps 3-4 inches of snow. Undoubtedly even the merest amounts of snow can cause issues for less able-bodied people however the majority of those with school-aged children *should* have been able to adapt and overcome. The word on the wind though suggested that many of the teaching staff came from areas which were worse affected and it was a number of contributory factors which led to the decision to close the school on Friday.

The Child, learning of the early start to the weekend (and snow), and knowing to quote Disney is more likely to be viewed as a cute request which is more difficult to refuse, hit me with “Do you wanna build a snowman? Come on, let’s go and play!” To the garden we went where, within no more than a matter of moments, and in the ultimate irony, while counselling The Child to not ‘slip and fall’, promptly slipped and fell, hard. Suitably winded, and after regaining the ability to speak, I declared, grumpily, that we were ‘going to the park’ where the ground was far less 45°. At the park we encountered a surprisingly large number of people, mostly families with young children and The Child declared that she wanted to go play with two boys who were, for lack of a more eloquently term, kicking an already present snowman out of existence. Abandoned but undeterred, I continued with my creation. When complete, The Child returned and declared ‘I love him’.

As much as I have not stop on any rooftops and proclaimed as much for all to hear, I am currently ‘between jobs’. I had been working as an ‘HR Onboarding & Vetting Coordinator’ for a global parcel distribution company however, with the current trend of everyone going on strike, along with a few internal ‘hiccups’ which I was not directly involved in, but was directly impacted by, meant that shortly before Christmas, I was no longer working as an ‘HR Onboarding & Vetting Coordinator’. Since that time, I have had the enormous displeasure of dealing with the utter incompetence and ‘here are some hoops, jump through them’ mentality which epitomises the Department of Work & Pensions. I have technically been successful in applying for no fewer than 3 roles. One with the same global parcel distribution, another in public service and another in civil service. Of the three, the first two are ‘on hold’ indefinitely and the third, awaiting completion of background and security checks which, I have no reason to believe will not pass, but which take such a long time to complete, even though I had the same check(s) almost exactly two years ago and which remain valid for another five.

And so, Sheffield. I had been using Indeed.com, among others, to find gainful employment and saw reference to a “Sheffield Jobs Fair” being held at Bramall Lane (home of Sheffield United FC).

A few things to unpack here and a couple of complete non-truths to highlight:

Preferred dress code – Casual (come as you are, but please be presentable). Seems entirely fair, no issue with this. I’ve only actually attended one jobs fair in the past, many many moons ago when living ‘by the coast’ (Greenock, don’t think about it too much). Trousers fitting even worse than the last time they were forced into use (It feels like to buy a larger size is to accept things I have no desire to accept), and one of only two shirts which still fit, adorned and I was ready to head for the train. As it turned out, I was massively overdressed, and that included the majority of the company reps who were present.

PLEASE NOTE – This is a JOBS FAIR event with multiple jobs from MULTIPLE INDUSTRIES/COMPANIES on the day. It is NOT an industry specific event aimed at one industry e.g. Sales Executives or Waiting Staff etc. Industry specific it may not have been, dominated by one industry (Health/ Social Care) it most certainly was.

500+ jobs available at this event from employers from various sectors and industries. No way, no how, were there even close to 500 jobs available.

Various employers that attend will conduct “mini interviews” on the day. – Unless said employers were intending to take prospective employees out to the car park, or behind the bar (yes, there was a bar), there were precisely zero areas which resembled somewhere a semi-private conversation, never mind a “mini-interview” could have been conducted.

It’s more than a “Jobs Fair”. You can speak to exhibitors about training, apprenticeships, volunteering, self-employment, and more. Maybe. The exhibitors, less than 30 minutes after the doors were opened, almost entirely looked like they wanted to be anywhere but there.

As I stated earlier, I have never been to Bramall Lane before but Google assured me it was little more than 20 minutes walk from the train station. Google was correct and after a late train (sadly normal) I was in Sheffield around 10:05 and, even after walking around three sides of Bramall Lane before finding the main entrance, was at the Fair by 10:25, and out by 10:30…

While I’m sure the Platinum Suite provides a more than adequate service for its intended use, namely a better-kept-than-most, function suite which you would find at many pubs, intended to be used by football fans (probably) and considerably smaller groups of people. It was categorically NOT a suitable size for a Job Fair. The place was mobbed. Not because there were thousands (Indeed.com did state 1600 interested parties, however less than 30 minutes into the 3 hours, it’s unlikely they’d have all descended on the place at once) but because the room simply wasn’t capable of comfortably holding as many people (and tables) as it was attempting. It was poorly lit, it was poorly laid out, there was absolutely no sign of coordination or an organiser and quite frankly, it was a shambles. It took me all of the 5 minutes I was in there, to make one full circuit, which given the space to walk freely would have taken as much as 20 seconds, though the requirement to stop every every other step to allow some other lost soul to seek the exit and question their life choices did give me the opportunity to determine that just about every other table was a social care employer. Betfred get a shout out for being one of the very few I noticed which was not, and was actually identifiable. I’m sure there others however they were lost in the shuffle. All things considered, and as much as I like Sheffield, I’d really quite like to have my travel costs reimbursed for the wasted trip.

The Child was ill (Chickenpox, presumably) and had demanded McDonalds for dinner (the little gannet worked her way through a cheeseburger, half of another cheeseburger AND 4 chicken nuggets) as I left the house, except I had not expected to be in a position to head there so soon and I would have to wait until the breakfast menu was replaced. No issue though, I wasn’t sure on the best route so the simple act of trying to locate the nearest McDonalds would help pass the required time. I turned to Google Maps again, trusting it to (mostly) keep me right and on the correct path. At this point it should be noted that my mobile phone is not long for this world, can only be charged wirelessly, and requires a 90 degree headphone adapter, held in place by an elastic band, with the headphones plugged into that. Oh, and the call listening speaker-part (technical term) doesn’t work so calls need to be made via speakerphone, though that last part is not relevant to anything which transpired during the Sheffield trip.

I have a great many lists of things that I ‘need’ to watch and/ or listen, as appropriate. A podcast list of 1400 episodes, YouTube ‘watch later’ of 300+ videos and spreadsheet(s) of lists of albums and song cover versions and movies and tv series’ (which I have not seen for a while and may have actually lost).

I learned the hard way that watching things on a phone while walking does not generally end well and so I instead use the time to catch up on podcasts. If you’ve been paying attention though, you’ll know my phone is a POS, and required use of the on-train USB socket to power the wireless charger, which then required to sit on my leg due to the absence of a table, resulting in an unpleasantly warm leg but a slightly more charged phone. I’m not sure how comfortable I would be having my phone connected directly to the train via USB but using the wireless charger means that the cable is only drawing power and not potentially sharing any (more) data. It also means that the phone requires to be set up with 3.5mm adapter (and elastic band) then placed into a pocket and left untouched lest it be confused and require action to resume playing.

So, the long scene-setting aside, Google Maps was instructed to direct me to the nearest McDonalds and while it will happily permit another source (i.e. a podcast) to continue, occasionally it will chime in with ‘helpful’ guidance, though it also intermittently tells me to make turnings which don’t exist. On this occasion however, instead of offering assistance, it simply repeated ‘This is what it will sound like when navigating with google maps’ over, and over, and over, every 5 seconds for a good couple of minutes until it both became obvious that it was not going to stop, and had made it safely across the crossing but hey, I’m sure it’s not the first time the denizens of Sheffield have witnessed a Scotsman yelling at his phone in the middle of the City Centre…

With the benefits of post-production magic, I am able to let you know that the Diary Of A Fat Bloke, and It’s My Life blogs will be combined into a singular title, imaginatively named It’s My Life: Diary Of A Fat Bloke.

I had my app(s), I had the good intentions, the weather was cooperating, it was looking like I would soon be able to begin in earnest.

From previous comparisons, the Couch To 5k and 10k app was the tracker of choice, on the recommendation of a one of my D&D players, I also download “Zombies, Run!” which I was assured was immersive and encouraged suspension of disbelief. Day 2 was on!

By nothing more than sheer good fortune, I was mere metres from the entrance to Phoenix Park, and starting point, when the tracker app advised that I was done. A perfect route had been stumbled upon. I did not use the Static Bike on Day 2 but did manage 10051 steps over the course of the entire day, which may or may have included simply walking the length of the living room half a dozen times at 9pm to ‘get the last few steps in’. If I am to meet my 500’000 target though I need make on average, around 15000 steps, or the equivalent, on a daily basis, and each day I’m well below is just going to un-front-load (since the antonym of front-loading does not seem to simply mean the opposite of frontloading…) things.

“Zombies, Run!” was given a trial run on the morning dog walk, it was, not good… I could see what it was trying to achieve but, it’s not for me and was more of an annoyance than motivator.

My phone does have a built-in app which is what use to count my steps so tomorrow I may run both the Couch To 5k and 10k app and the Samsung Health app side-by-side and see whether it will do the job instead. Until next time!

My intentions were good. Between steps and the static bike I would accumulate the required 350-400 calories (burning not gaining) which, when achieved daily would equate to roughly 1 lb/ week weight loss. When faced with the cold reality however, there’s a huge difference between a static bike in your living room and at a gym, or even a regular bicycle and some outdoor scenery. ‘I can re-start Cobra Kai’ I though, except at some point the Roku box has forgotten my Netflix credentials. No worries, I make a new plan. ‘I’ll fire up WWE Network and watch something random, that’ll pass 20 minutes’, except the Roku box has forgotten my WWE Network credentials. Starting to panic now I try to figure out something which I haven’t yet watched on Amazon Prime or Disney+. It’s 5 minutes in, I’m getting frustrated and my get up and go has all but got up and gone. After just 5 minutes and (generously) 40 calories, it’s over.

The Roku box has now been reminded of all the required credentials and a repeat of Day 1 should not happen again. I now have a dilemma though that my window of opportunity is now all but gone and I’m well below target. I decide I’ll simple have to make up the deficit and make sure I exceed an average of 10k daily steps going forward. Then I figure that 10k daily steps throughout March is 310’000 steps, and if I’m going to set my goal at 310k, why don’t I simply aim for 500k?!

So, the plan for Day 2 is for the weather to cooperate sufficiently that I find 6000+ steps somewhere AND distract myself sufficiently, probably with Cobra Kai, maybe from the beginning or if I can work out where I stopped watching, from there. I am reasonably certain that I can find a suitably varied route around Phoenix Park to give the ‘Couch to 5K and 10k’ App a decent road-test. From memory it doesn’t record steps but my phone will do that anyway. It’s almost too easy. Anyone who knows me (or has read any ‘real life’ stories I’ve written) will know that a series of unfortunate events will mean I fall into a Blackberry bush or get attacked by a rabid hedgehog or something equally ridiculous. Check back next time to find out what disaster befell me. Until then!

I’m 42, well 42 and 3/4, but Adrian Mole I am *still* not, and I am fat-ter.

As of today, I weigh in at an impressive, for even more wrong reasons than previous, 21ST 1LB/ 295LBS/ 134KG. I’m not proud to say that’s not even the heaviest I’ve been with the wrong side of 300 lbs being recorded at some point. As of this writing I am once again between jobs, and have realised that without public accountability, I’ll just continue to make excuses for continuing to slowly but steadily gain weight. I have even less disposable income than before, with the increasing cost of well, everything, not contributing positively.

Social media has not been kind to my most recent attempts to find a ‘training buddy’ with one utter moron posting and quickly deleting a reply calling me ‘A FAKE’ (yes, they capitalised it) because my Facebook profile states, quite accurately, that i’m from Glasgow, and was responding to post from someone in Barnsley. Sadly all I could reference was the notification that the reply had been made. It had already been deleted before I had any hope of grabbing a screenshot but rest assured, Sir, that you are a moron of the highest order. Social Media idiocy aside, I have opted to go it alone, again.

I don’t fancy the idea of annihilating my knees by subjecting them to actual running on a solid surface so have come to the conclusion that the ‘Roger Black’ (Don’t think about it too much) Exercise Bike in the cupboard under the stairs, *almost* back correctly in its original box, would be a good starting point.

A combination of Static Biking and regular step-counting is the initial plan, potentially returning to braving the outdoors when the weather permits. The local parks, Phoenix and Thurnscoe East, respectively, remain precisely where they were the last I looked though sadly my beloved dog Sasha, did not have the strength to continue her fight against the Acute Kidney Failure and Pancreatitis which dominated her final years, and was euthanised back in July 2021, meaning it truly will be a solo effort this time around.

If I determine that she’s both capable, and not going to simply push me into a bush, at the first opportunity. Just because it rhymed does not make it any less true. I may consider bringing the pocket dynamo along for any outdoor runs, but for now I’ll track my progress on a spreadsheet and provide route(s) if/ when I venture outdoors.

Tomorrow, stats, glorious stats! Until next time!

Was not feeling it this morning. Felt ‘bleh’ (It’s a word, maybe). The legs were heavy, the rain didn’t help how I thought it would and I knew by the end that this was not a good session.

No mishaps today. I did though speak to one dog walker who suggested I drink unsweetened grapefruit juice, asserting that between August and December last year he lost 11 Stone. I didn’t have the heart, or energy, to tell him that not only did that sound extremely unhealthy but that it simply soundly like some awful disease or that he’d had a conjoined twin removed but, nothing ventured… Until next time!

So, Week 1, Workout 2 was just a carbon copy of Workout 1… Nevermind, they say repetition breeds contempt, or something?

Slightly more dog walkers this morning, different ones this time, the ground is still solid and unforgiving but the recovery periods are definitely becoming noticeably shorter with not a sign of EIB in sight.

No mishaps again today, I must be getting the hang of this, though a number of dogs decided to say hello, and the absence of a training buddy is starting to be felt. Until next time!

Another day another post. Once again to Phoenix Park I galloped, by the end looking like a well walloped… (sorry, got to keep it family-friendly for the sponsors. Rest assured my Glaswegian friends would have finished it off with a disgusted yet amused chuckle).

Opting to repeat Week 1 Workout 1, I was slightly annoyed to find that the App had simply written over the previous set of stats with the latest. Luckily I had taken a screenshot and can still compare the two.

I don’t believe I’m ready to repeat my single solitary 5K, done back in 2006 and alongside a couple of people who damn well better be reading this, quite yet, but progress is progress.

No bodily function mishaps today though I do feel a mention should be made to my future “Training-partner In Training” who completely ignored me yesterday, claiming that the ‘svelte guy I saw from a distance couldn’t possibly have been you’. Not my words folks, not my words. Until next time!

With the self-negotiated reward of a ‘roll ‘n square’ in the balance. I was out again this morning. This time back to Phoenix Park, with a new app called ‘Couch to 5K & 10K’ replacing the NHS app, and the very robotic ‘Emma’ replacing Sanjeev Kohli.

The ground was oh so solid, with 10 days of no rain really taking a toll but, after some unplanned diversions to avoid a surprisingly large number of dog walkers given the time and, with oh so heavy legs (the merits of one day on, one day off, now make sense after previously being deemed ‘not worth worrying about, it’s not like I’m running a marathon’), day 2 was completed with no exercise-induced bronchoconstriction (EIB) issues.

The new app, with all its meaningful numbers, apparently doesn’t count steps which, were higher than yesterday without the addition of going to the local shop for milk so I’m calling it 4500 steps, up from yesterday’s 4000, with the distances between home and respective paths, being roughly the same.

A mostly uneventful run, with little else to report. Oh, though I think I peed a little… Until next time!

After some troubling times I’m back on focus again. Even more important, and admittedly done with all the grace of a fat bloke ‘running’ over a badly chosen and extremely uneven path around the local green space, I completed my first ‘run’.

Fuelled on last night’s takeaway pizza, Podcast on, Couch To 5K app started, Sanjeev Kohli (who it must be said is infinitely less entertaining when all he’s doing is telling you that you once again have to ‘run’ multiple times) to distract me from reality, and I’m off.

The local park provided some route options.

I may have shaved a second or so off the running times but 30 minutes later, Week 1, Day 1 of the Couch To 5K app was mine!

I may have to source a more informative app, one which perhaps shows the route or at the very least, some meaningful information.

As I write this almost an hour after finishing, I still have a slight urge to cough, which Google assures me is nothing more serious than “exercise-induced bronchoconstriction” and will ease as my broken-arsed body realises that this is good for me and it should probably respond more appropriately.

Quick stats update:

• After achieving a new high of 21ST 1LB / 295LBS / 134KG in the 6 weeks between posts, I am back down to 20ST 3LBS / 283LBS / 128KG (as of this morning).
• I also managed just over 4000 steps, including warm-up, run, and cooldown.

Rather more sober and uneventful post today but an important step has been taken. Until next time!

An initial altercation aside, the dog was more cooperative today, and I had hoped to test a variation of the route considered yesterday. New bluetooth headphones meant that Bixby was silent throughout and I could instead focus on my podcast. Sadly, I seem to have switched something off or on or wrong, in my previous efforts to destroy the irritant, and the ‘Map My Walk’ app was not at all happy.

As a result, this:

Should have far more closely resembled this:

Starting and ending at the same place, with what I hoped would be a further .39-ish KM to make a nice 1KM route.

Never mind though, weather permitting, I shall be back out tomorrow, phone freshly tweaked yet again in the hope that it understands I’m walking a somewhat circular route and not flying in straight lines from point to point.

They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but ‘they’ also say the Earth is flat, so who knows what to believe. Until next time.